Today I feel the touch of darkness, like a cold breeze at the back of my neck, and I am actually forcing myself to write this now. I lean forward to cover my face with my hands, as I struggle to find something to feel positive about. I can think of dozens of things that I know I could, and have felt positive about in the past. I just cannot feel it.
In a very simplistic way, we all have two distinct modes: Intellectual and Emotional. I believe in a balance between the two.
The trick, to my mind, is to not let either side over power the other. Too much intellectualism and I become disassociated. Too much emotionalism and I lose perspective.
Then there are those days, like today, where one side is simply not up to the task. There’s a battle raging inside, and the reasons why are unclear. Perhaps it is the fact that I have become incredibly busy with two jobs, various video editing projects, and a couple of other things, and am feeling a bit overwhelmed. Maybe it is the change in my life as I plan for a future as a single man. Possibly it is the gentleman who decided to have a go at me during on of my evening gigs?
I suspect the truth is that it all of the above, plus the damage already left by years gone by, but with a mind clouded by conflict, it is hard to see through the fog.
That said, in writing this post, it has become easier to deal with. There is a lot to be said for talking or writing about something, and knowing that others will see it. In times like this, I find I have to remind myself that I am not alone. I know a lot of people who have suffered, some more than I. My experience is not unique.
I still feel the tendrils of darkness lurking nearby, but it can no longer sneak up on me. In acknowledging that I am not perfect, that I have a darker side, it has made it easier to see it when it comes.
In a weird way, it’s actually a little comforting to be reminded that I am, after all, still human.
Wow, Jeff. It is great that you wrote about it. Writing is a great way of processing thoughts and feelings. Yes, you are not alone. Yes, it is okay to be human and to feel overwhelmed. One day at a time. All you have to do is get through to the end of today. No more than that. And there is hope. Everything happens for a reason. You will be okay and you will regain your sense of purpose, balance and security. These things just take time. So be kind to yourself and know that it’s okay to have days on which things feel out of control. Wishing you every strength in your new life.
Thanks Gael. It doesn’t get as bad as it once did, back when. These days, it is just the struggle with balance, rather than the struggle getting out of the hole.