Today I feel the touch of darkness, like a cold breeze at the back of my neck, and I am actually forcing myself to write this now. I lean forward to cover my face with my hands, as I struggle to find something to feel positive about. I can think of dozens of things that I know I could, and have felt positive about in the past. I just cannot feel it.
The trick, to my mind, is to not let either side over power the other. Too much intellectualism and I become disassociated. Too much emotionalism and I lose perspective.
Then there are those days, like today, where one side is simply not up to the task. There’s a battle raging inside, and the reasons why are unclear. Perhaps it is the fact that I have become incredibly busy with two jobs, various video editing projects, and a couple of other things, and am feeling a bit overwhelmed. Maybe it is the change in my life as I plan for a future as a single man. Possibly it is the gentleman who decided to have a go at me during on of my evening gigs?
I suspect the truth is that it all of the above, plus the damage already left by years gone by, but with a mind clouded by conflict, it is hard to see through the fog.
That said, in writing this post, it has become easier to deal with. There is a lot to be said for talking or writing about something, and knowing that others will see it. In times like this, I find I have to remind myself that I am not alone. I know a lot of people who have suffered, some more than I. My experience is not unique.
I still feel the tendrils of darkness lurking nearby, but it can no longer sneak up on me. In acknowledging that I am not perfect, that I have a darker side, it has made it easier to see it when it comes.
In a weird way, it’s actually a little comforting to be reminded that I am, after all, still human.