An aging ham ponders life
A misunderstanding. A mistake. A trust broken. A sense of deep shame. A crack opens. A body it takes. A sense of falling. I accept the blame. A darkness awaits. A hole of my making. A silence of mind. A feeling of hollow. A cold breeze blows. A dread is waking. A friend returns. I... Continue Reading →
Today, I am reminded of one of my previous articles, about my panic attacks. It dawned on me that it has been quite a while since I've had one... almost since I posted the article. Yet I am confronted by another troubling issue. My dear daughter, who appears to be suffering from her own version... Continue Reading →
I left off at a very dark place with my last post on this, and it got darker. My emotions slowly grew in strength and I struggled to maintain my rational self. I began fantasising ways I could end my life, and yet leave wife and daughter able to carry on financially. I thought that... Continue Reading →
So with the events of my trip to the UK behind me, and my still aching ego nagging at me, I nursed my wounds for a short while. Then I ended up back at uni, this time as an employee. I got straight back into my theatre work, and resigned myself to the life of... Continue Reading →
Upon my return home, somewhat relieved, but bitterly disappointed in myself, some interesting stories unravelled over the course of a few weeks. First I need to explain one thing before getting to the meat. While I was in the UK, my cat had passed away. He was a gorgeous Russian Blue, and incredibly intelligent. When... Continue Reading →
I had been staying with my grandmother in Mousehole, just outside of Penzance. A small fishing village, but the Penzance city centre was a short walk away, and I went there often. Life was good. I was seeing a lot of the Cornish landscape, and getting familiar with the lifestyle. I was invited to stay... Continue Reading →
It is an interesting beast family. They come in all shapes and sizes. For many, it is the seat of support, comfort and encouragement. For others, it is something to fear, avoid, or deny the existence of. Mine edges towards the latter, sadly. As I have been opening up more and more about the past,... Continue Reading →
One thing that has plagued me for years is strange little periods of a panic like fear. They can last minutes or for hours. At worst, they have lingered for a few days. It's like a sense that you have forgotten something really important, and something bad will happen if you don't figure it out... Continue Reading →
Following your dreams. We keep telling each other to do this. Don't give up on your dreams, living the dream life, or other variations of the theme. I've come to the realisation that this idea can be just as dangerous as the overly negative "realistic" phrases such as "you'll never make a living" or "it's... Continue Reading →
So, anyway, continuing on from Part 4... In writing these posts, I have stirred up a swarm of old forgotten emotions and memories. It is rather incredible what the human mind can store, and what it takes to trigger it. There was, of course, a lot more going on in my life than school. Ju-Jitsu,... Continue Reading →
Reflection of a Ham 