The Year That Was
What a year was 2015, with some extremes and changing all round. Most if it has blurred somewhat and has left me just a little confused, and somewhat frustrated with my current circumstances.
My day job has become essentially hollow as I find myself desiring new experiences. Combine this with the fact that I have been rather successful in improving the efficiency of my section, that I have now got little to do, and the need for change is powerful. However, the lessons of 2015 are still strong. This time last year, I was in a financially troubled position as plans failed around me. I don’t intend to make similar mistakes this year as I seek alternative and flexible employment.
12 months on and I am financially better off than I have been in over a decade, and getting stronger in that regards daily. The final months were kind in that regards.
My partner and I have have worked together to make sure our upcoming divorce will be painless and seamless. Having taken our time, as we have, appears to have made all the difference for our daughter who has essentially accepted it. Doesn’t mean she likes it, just accepts it.
My parents health continue its expected deterioration, and along with that comes the depression (theirs) that would be hard to avoid. Fatalism and hopelessness, emotions I once experienced in abundance, are now coming back at me from with a different point of view. The black dog has been howling at my doors, and I have remained strong and calm.
That is not to say it hasn’t been hard.
For three weeks over the Christmas break, I was engaged in a little anti-social experiment. The girls were on holidays on the east coast (Australia) and I was home with the cat. It would be my first Christmas and New Year utterly alone, apart from the cat. While I had always felt lonely as a child, it had always been more rejection and abuse then actual loneliness. Technically speaking, I have never spent a holiday season actually alone.
Some of my plans were undone when through the sudden re-hospitalisation of my parents (dad’s leg required surgery to remove a possible bone infection), I ended up driving them home on a day release for Christmas day, before returning them to hospital in the evening.
Otherwise, it was just me. New Years eve passed with a short raising of the glass, and nothing more. Emotions with that feel of lost memories bubbled within, and I was able to recognise them in an almost detached and accepting way. Still, my little experience has given me a knew appreciation for true loneliness. That’s not to say that what I experienced in my youth is any less valid, only that it wasn’t actual loneliness. The hurt hasn’t changed.
I know I am a social being.
As I slowly make plans for change, I reflect on what the biggest thing for me in 2015, and I have to say it was the hatred. Everywhere. Hatred of race, culture, movies, actors, events, small things… It was every where.
Hatred is not new. I knew a lot of hatred growing up. What is different, at least to my eyes, is now it is about everything, and it is en-mass. It is the new “in-fashion” pass-time to hate something. Some even seem to make a career from it. Even hate about the hate! So much hate, and that saddens me. So many important things happened in 2015, and yet I feel that it will be remembered more for it’s hate, than anything else.
New Years Resolution
Hatred brings nothing, it only takes. It takes energy to hate, and takes inspiration from others. Responding to hate takes your focus, your reason. The most common reaction to hate is to hate back, which means even more is taken. I don’t wish to take or have taken from me, anything. At least, without my consent.
I would prefer to freely give my love, respect, and appreciation, to those that deserve and can benefit from it. I have watched hate ruin so many people. It nearly ruined me. I will not be a party to that. I will not pay this one forward.
Perhaps this is why I have found a connection with the complex concepts of polyamory, community, and the social instincts that we all have.The sharing and mutual support of groups working for each other in a productive manner. Respect, appreciation, and even love, all shared freely, equally.
It may be why I have found offence with the shaming, blaming, isolationism that is media marketing, corporate power, political subversion. The blinding and distracting tricks of the mystic powers of the almost fanatically devil-worshipping economic
I have chosen to continue to seek the internal harmony that comes from a balanced relationship between ones own emotions and logic. Finding harmony in the world around is a fruitless exercise, especially when there is no harmony within.
While you remain in conflict within, you will find conflict without.
Maybe I can inspire more of the same in those that can appreciate my choices.