Been a while

It has been a very long time between posts.
The lull between the storms.
It has been a very quite time between moats.
Them nefarious forms.

Today I was given reason to re-read some of my prose posted elsewhere on this site, and it raised a few tears as I recalled the times I struggled with emotional issues and life in general, and reflected on how far I have come.

Yet I was struck by something both curious and telling… how I was so stimulated to write little nonsense poetry and stories back then, yet have little motivation now. That is not to confuse enthusiasm with motivation however, as I still have enthusiasm, but the NEED to write is no subdued.

In a sad way, it seems that my writing may have been motivated by my emotional instability of those days, and that now that I have found a balance within, I am not as pressured to express my feelings. They have a constant and manageable level of activity. While my clarity is clearer, I no longer NEED to get these things out of my system.

In some sense, the emotionally tormented version of myself was more actively creative than the managed and whole version. As the peace has settled around my shoulders, I have become the young boy not wanting to leave the warmth of the blanket to go to school.

Yet, I am not convinced that the tormented me was more creative. I still have these ideas and images in my mind. As a more self-confident human, I express these openly in life as opposed to channeling it all into words on a page. I have become the Trivia Host who gives more than he gets, and has a fan club because of it. I have become the voice that people stop to listen to, even though my speaking is not dependent on having an audience. I have become the ear that hears openly, and is regularly used by people I barely know, yet respect immensely.

I have been expressing myself in so many new ways that I no longer NEED to express through writing, but I still want to…

The problem I feel rests in the association, that writing has always been used as my valve to depression. The release mechanism when times were dark, challenging, and changing. I need to re-engage with my written creative mindset with a new agenda, and new direction. See it for something more.

I hope to spark a new flame with an old friend.