The Black Dog of Waiting

There’s been a clear dark cloud above my head of late. Plenty of people have noticed and asked if I’m OK which is good of them. It’s not like the days of yore when I would hide in oblivious awareness of my own circumstance, letting the worry consume me. I am OK, just a little frustrated.

I have the potential of a great opportunity to change my life in a dramatic and exciting way, but the decision is in the hands of others. Executives meet and discuss future directions while a handful of us wait in varying degrees of anxiety, frustration, or denial.

To say it has challenged by motto of worrying about what you can control and less about what you can’t has been sorely tested is an understatement. If I am offered this opportunity, then the power to gain even more control in my life will be granted. I get to choose almost without impunity, exactly where my life my lead for the next 12 or more months. The implications are enticing…

But it all hinges on being granted a voluntary severance.

Many of my colleagues have already left into the blue yonder of short-term financial freedom, but a handful of us are still waiting. It hangs on our positions and whether they have critical significance, because in a severance, you have to abolish the position as well as retire the employee. So they need to ensure that they aren’t going to effect ongoing services before making the call. I can understand that. I can appreciate it… logically.

Oh but what I could do with nearly a year and a half (after tax) worth of pay, and the freedom to choose how each of those days plays out. My imagination has been working, and a plan has been formulated. I know how the next 12 months would play out, in a rough way, and I WANT it to happen…

Yet I can’t get my expectations up else I’ll be deeply disappointed if it doesn’t happen.

I’m already rather done with where I am and have been looking for a chance to move, but opportunities to move AND change have been hard to find and make. Couple this with fact that I still need to ensure that my daughter is cared for, and while I abhor financial dependency, I have to work within the system for now, so making a big change while maintaining a living is a challenge.

So right now, I am followed by the Black Dog of Waiting. That’s the one that over time gets bigger and more stubborn, unwilling to walk and thus dragging along behind you. You get more sluggish, tired, and distracted. It’s a disturbingly familiar feeling but still very much at arms length.

I’m OK. It’s just big plans don’t suffer waiting very well .