A few people have noticed that I have been a little quieter recently, and they are right. I have been feeling the need to pull back from life a little lately, with the howls of the black dog at my doors. I am OK of course, just dealing with things.
I am frustrated with choices I made and allowed to be made for me from years ago. Choices that have had a significant influence as to where I am today, and see me feeling trapped and creatively unchallenged for some years, to the point where I have become frustrated, and a little disappointed with myself.
It is mainly around career and creative pursuits that I am most frustrated. I have been in an IT related job for nearly 15/16 years. The same job. No variation or diversity. After a few years of applying for other roles with no bites, and even trying a complete career change (which went unsurprisingly bad for me), I lost enthusiasm in looking for work, and attempted to accept my place… but it’s been several years since that time, and the resentment quietly grew within.
I am thankful to have a job, of that there is no doubt, and everyday I try to do my best in what I do. Yet every day, my best is slowly challenged by my own feelings of restlessness.
It is an odd sensation to retreat. Currently, if I am committed or obligated to attend something, I can and will easily. If it is optional or simply a personal thing, I find it hard to ignite the enthusiasm. Even my hobby of online gaming has taken a down turn, with me preferring to just numb my mind with another sci-fi binge session on Netflix, then falling asleep from inactivity, and a very slouched position in the couch, only to wake up with the cat on my face.
If it wasn’t for the fact that people continue to depend on me, my daughter, my family, then I would have taken the risk to leave and go it alone for a while, or so I believe. Maybe I wouldn’t now, but I’m pretty certain I would have done, and possibly still could. I’m not sure. I’m a little cloudy these days. Uncertain.
I am getting counselling which is giving me some guidance and I going to try to follow through. It’s a quiet retreat that people won’t notice right away. Just the need to get some space, away from the noise and the drama of life, yet the isolation can compound the negative mindset, so I try to not withdraw completely.
This is not a cry of help. It’s an expression of gratitude to those whom have noticed, and to those whom have contacted me. I know I am not 100% right now, but it will pass. I am healing.
I am still hopeful.
I care about you so much Jeff and I’m always here for you ❤
Hi Jeff. You are correct that many have noticed but are not inclined to intrude. It is clear from reading this that you are in a ‘depressive’ episode. Depression has its own languages, it harasses us with endless repetitive lists of our (supposed) failures and shortcomings. Add to this our own poor decisions combined with the forces of fate backed up by the gravity of the past and the weight makes is difficult to breath. I read these things here. Writing or turning outwards in any way is a massive effort, your strength seems to lie in the process of communicating/relating with others. I feel that what I read here is relatively superficial, or at least quite a ‘light’ version of darker thought processes. I hope that you’ve been able to work through some of the heavy stuff with your counsellor. Myself, always here and happy to speak in that characteristic mode of detached abstraction and figurative reflection. Be well.