Trying a return

At over 3 years since my last post, I find myself returning to my page. I lost steam back in 2019, and have struggled to restoke the fires. Covid, depression, frustration with work, social life, and more have really kept my motivation levels at bare minimum. This has meant that I have no energy after a days work after essentially forcing myself to engage in activities I have little interest in, which just drains the batteries fast.

I’m not going to promise this means I will make a regular return. I can’t even promise this is not a drive-by post.

I definitely need a change, and have no idea what that change really looks like, apart from vague imaginings. The struggle to find moments of joy everyday seems harder this year.

The last 3 years have seen so many changes for me personally, and for those a care about. My son opened up about his struggles with identity and has since changed his name, and struggles with his own mental health issues. I have also reviewed my own life and identified aspects of masking developed during my childhood, exposing traits that some would call effeminate, and went some way to explain certain confusions in myself.

I am now allowing myself to re-experience these aspects of self and it has been a release. It has led to other issues that now present new, different struggles as I battle the conflict with the life I currently find myself with, versus the life I am beginning to seek. My creativity is strained in passionless directions while I struggle with finding the energy to follow activities I wish to follow.

That said, being more honest with myself has opened me to more friendships, and this I do not regret. A side effect of more friendships is that it has highlighted my internal loneliness, which has become a bit of a focus for me recently, which harkens back to earlier years. Times I have referring to previously so I haven’t left behind those times as much as I had thought, only I have a different perspective now.

I really feel I have lost, although not entirely, my humour. I want that back.

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